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Funny jokes/images

Postby Assyrian » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:16 am

its 1am here and i cant sleep so i just thought i'd start a new thread :) heres a joke, a dirty one...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Last edited by Assyrian on Mon Jun 06, 2005 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Mrs. 2p » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:38 am

Image

...are we supposed to laugh?

this is no longer a men's-only forum!! :evil: :wink:
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Postby Assyrian » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:58 am

oooops a female.. heres one that'll get you happy then..

One dumb man sees another dumb man at the office and says, "What did
you do to your hair? It looks like a wig."
The other guy looks embarrassed and says, "Well, it is a wig."
The first dumb guy says, "You know, you could never tell."
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Postby The_Ginger_Scotsman » Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:25 am

This is a slightly long one, it was posted on the cafeteria notice board at the delivery office I work at:

There was this fellow who worked for the Royal Mail whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed to God in very shaky handwriting. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched and went around showing the letter to all his colleagues. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made his rounds, he had collected £96.50 which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady again addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £3.50 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b@stards at the Royal Mail."
"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman"

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Postby Bunny101 » Sat Feb 05, 2005 12:12 pm

This is sad slyck has it own joke forum and u not even using it here is the url http://www.fooltank.com/forums/index.php
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Postby Skater00 » Sat Feb 05, 2005 12:30 pm

2 Blondes are sitting on a porch looking up in the sky. One blonde says to the other, "hey, which is closer, Florida or the moon." The other blonde replies
"Hello, can you see Florida?"
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Postby Psycho Ced » Sat Feb 05, 2005 12:52 pm

What did the blind, deaf, mute, quadraplegic boy get on Christmas?
.
.
.
.
.
Cancer!!!!
:twisted:
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Postby DaBlade » Sat Feb 05, 2005 1:15 pm

@P.C. Not funny.. :P
--
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Saddam is still alive', Saddam decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.
Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."
But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"
Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Saddam. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."
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Postby The_Ginger_Scotsman » Sat Feb 05, 2005 1:43 pm

A man is bringing his date home for the evening and they settle down on the settee to watch a film.

During the film, the man's dog starts barking at the villian every time he appears on screen. Likewise, the dog starts wagging it's tail whenever the hero appears on screen.

Noticing this, the woman turns to the man and says, "That's strange for a dog to act like that during a film".

The man turns to his date and replies, "You're right it's strange, he didn't enjoy the book".
"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman"

"And now we find, you've lost your mind; They want you still, perhaps they always will" (Honeycrack, King of Misery)
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Postby Psycho Ced » Sat Feb 05, 2005 2:28 pm

Ah..DB..lighten up... :wink:

Ok

There are 3 guys out on a 3 day camping trip.
There names are; Ray, Tom, and SharePro.
On the first day, Raccoons steal all their food.
When they get hungry, Their only choice is to go hunting.
On that day;
__Ray goes out and comes back with a bear.
The other two ask; "what happend?"
Ray says; "find tracks, follow tracks, catch bear"
On the second day,
__Tom goes out and comes back with a deer.
The other two ask; "what happend?"
Tom says; "find tracks, follow tracks, catch deer"
On the final day,
__SharePro goes out and comes back with scrathes & bruises.
The other two ask; "what happend?"
SharePro says; "find tracks, follow tracks, get hit by Train!"
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Postby DaBlade » Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:05 pm

LMAO :lol:

Microsoft's New TV Dinner
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor rights to all Microsoft TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

<<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|
/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a GNU/Linux oven, insert the dinner and type 'make'. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

<<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
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Postby Assyrian » Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:15 pm

short one..

woman are like tornados, they moan when they're coming and they take the house when they're leaving.
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Postby Mr Grenade » Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:03 pm

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies.

He says, "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

He sticks his finger into the dead man's asshole, then licks it, and then asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

Slowly, one by one, they do it.

Then he says, "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's asshole, but I licked my index finger."

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Postby Assyrian » Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:15 am

lol good one

what the left ass cheak to the right ass cheak? dont talk to the guy in the middle, hes an asshole.

yeh i know old, but to those who've never heard it.
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Postby Assyrian » Mon Feb 07, 2005 8:44 pm

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
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Postby Psycho Ced » Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:35 am

There are really two types of criminals;
1) Those who break the laws.
.
&
.
2) Those who make and claim to enforce it.
Last edited by Psycho Ced on Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Psycho Ced » Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:37 am

What do you call an "honest politician"?
.
.
.
.
A hypocryt and a liar
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Postby Psycho Ced » Wed Feb 09, 2005 11:59 pm

:roll:
What do you "really" call an "honest politician"?
.
.
.
.
UNEMPLOYED
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Postby Psycho Ced » Thu Feb 10, 2005 12:10 am

Ok, a Picture joke of your friendly neighborhood pedifile!


"Planet of the Jackos"
Image
__________________________ Cute couple
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Postby Psycho Ced » Thu Feb 10, 2005 12:26 am

"Tails from the Crib"
ImageImage
____________________________________ M.J. at 100 :roll:
_____________________________________________________
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Postby Assyrian » Thu Feb 10, 2005 1:19 am

i said jokes, not horror pics/stories. lol
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Postby DaBlade » Thu Feb 10, 2005 1:35 am

Image
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Postby Bunny101 » Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:04 am

FFS use slycks own joke forum Here
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Postby Assyrian » Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:41 am

that doesnt look like slyck.. it looks like a whole different website to me.
you cant tell people what to do and where to post, if they wanna post here well then let them, if they dont want to post or read here then nothings stopping them.
and you might wanna be nice "FFS" :)
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Postby Psycho Ced » Thu Feb 10, 2005 8:07 am

Bunny101 wrote:FFS use slycks own joke forum Here


A) Look Who's Talking

B) http://www.slyck.com != http://www.fooltank.com

C) This is the Lounge
Image

D) Your Spamming this thread! :lol:
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